Has any of the three people who still read my blog ever watched Samantha Brown on the Travel Channel? She hosts a series of shows that take you to exotic places all over the world that you would likely never go on your own. Samantha is a late thirties type of gal who's fairly easy on the eyes and doesn't seem to take herself too seriously. She is, however, hmmm, how shall I put this? Hmmm...well....I guess you could say she's a total ditz. Complete with a goofy laugh. Now that I've made her cry, let's move on to the subject of this post. Because I am all about being...er...helpful, Ive taken the liberty to transcribe part of her show tonight entitled Passport To Latin America with Samantha Brown. So sit back and experience the joys of Latin America via the Animal Notes transcription service:
S: Hi, I'm here in Couzco, Peru with my guide, Hector Robles Juan de la Jesus. Peru is the ninth largest country in the north part of the southern hemisphere and boasts a whorehouse the size of Yankee stadium. Folks here wear hats all day long. The type of hat denotes if you're single and available or married but looking. Those who are single and available wear hats that have a giant hole in the top. Those who are married but looking wear hats that have firecrackers stuck in the brim that go off that the weirdest times. There are reports of Peruvians having parts of their ears blown off by these firecrackers - when that happens they no longer have to wear the hats because then their deformed ears signal their availablity. Everyone else in Peru who doesn't fit in one of those two categories wear Fedoras in tribute to Marlon Brando who threw up in a field here back in the 1950s. So, Hector is going to show us some of the sights and sounds of Couzco.
H: Yes, senora. First we will look at the giant wall of coconuts.
S: You have coconuts in Peru?
H: No, we have to fly them in. Here is the wall. Please do not touch the coconuts. They are very dangerous.
S: How can coconuts be dangerous?
H: We use the venom of cobras to glue them together.
S: Moving on, quickly, is this a quaint blanket making weaver?
H: Yes. These are the women of the village who come from hundreds of miles to work on this weave. Notice how their hands are gnarled and bent? All the strands are woven by hand.
S: Are those nails driven into their fingers?
H: Yes. Otherwise the women of the village would not be able to weave the strands for the quilts.
S: Its so wonderful to see the traditions of the village in action. Are these weavers in danger of being driven out of business by the capitalists of the Unidos De America.
H: (nodding sadly): Yes. But then we were saved by Al Gore.
S: (swoon). Al Gore. You must worship the ground he walks on.
H: Yes. Here is the shrine we built for him after he went back home.
S: Oh my gosh, look at the size of that thing. It looks like a humungous llama. What are those bags hanging from the body? There must be hundreds of them!
H: They are nutsacs. Our artists spent many of the hours crafting them to match the exact dimensions of the Al Gore nutsac.
S: Oh my gosh, they're so tiny.
H: Yes. Our sculptors were very proud of the work theyve done. At night, in the village taverns, they drink warm beer and tell the tales of making the Al Gore nutsacs. Sometimes they even get into fights when someone claims to have actually touched the Al Gore nutsac.
S: You know, you just cant find something like this back in the Unidos De America. Except maybe at the Al Gore house.
H: Do they have a shrine there too?
S: Im sure they do.
H: Al Gore is a blessed saint. Every day, we bang the gong for the Al Gore and the women fall to their knee weeping and the men squeeze their nutsacs.
To be continued....
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